"The anger of our time result in human robots singing." ~ I wrote that late one sleepless night.
Then if you don't connect to a support group or anyone who might think the same way you do, you begin to think you are wrong. Like I did, you force yourself into traditionally, socially acceptable choices (not actually authentically yours) and hide among the unhappy rituals of the daily grind of an unfulfilled life and struggle paycheck to paycheck ....and briefly wonder time to time, what went wrong - yet never doing anything about it. Somehow how rationalzing that this horrible nightmare is what's it's all about. Miraculously, some of us do wake up from this nightmare and slowly with much anguish take up the challenge, the search once more.
I went down this path. I cannot say it was wrong, it taught me the price of freedom can be heartbreaking and shattering my ego's illusional dream of a falsely created happiness is humbling. And I can never forget how precious this freedom is. The price was losing contact with children I love dearly, however God or the Universal Power that is, says it'll take care of them....they have always been taken care of.
Though I feel I'm closer to what the Universe (my soul) wants me to do. I am plagued with misgivings. I'm the sort of person who likes to plan out her future, knowing most of the steps and be guided by some delusional, skewed sense of foresight which is distorted by not really knowing who I am - ending up in cycles of failed relationships, unattained goals, feeling that my future is a dead end (that has a little truth in it - I'm gonna die, ha, ha), and not knowing what I truly wanted.
NOW, I try to stay in the moment and be aware when my ego feels frustrated and frightened because it constantly attempts to plan an approach to the future, tells me I'm floundering because I right now I have a lack of defined goals (old abusive mental tapes), and I have to deal with it's total consuming fear of the unknown.
By trying to throw off my sentimental attachments to the dominator model, I have been molded or programmed by, I feel expansive like a billowy cloud, unfocused yet full of potential. Dreams superimpose themselves on my waking reality and I have only recently found a word to describe this multi-layered state of being, bifurcation. Bifurcation as it is used in “The Chalice and the Blade” is different than what I’m trying to describe what’s happening to me, yet the word seems to resonate with my feelings. Wherever I travel to different places while geo-caching with a very good & great friend of mine, Mike, beautiful natural areas in northeast Oklahoma, such as Sparrowhawk, Natural Dam, Goat's Bluff, and even the old limestone ridge just behind the pie factory where I work, these places of wonder and beauty seem to me like the backdrop of another story and another world both ancient and right now at the same time. My mind splits in two or more levels of focus and it frightened me at first.
Most of my life I denied this tendency to split into two or more levels of reality and avoided doing it, having no explanation for it but a historical family madness of schizophrenia or bipolar disease. My aunt has been hospitalized most of her life for schizophrenia and my sister has bipolar disease and takes medication for it. When I was acting in Los Angeles, CA, I felt I came close to the edge of sanity several times. Looking back on my experiences I believe that I came several times to a jumping off place (quantum leap) to where I needed to go, yet the my fear of insanity kept me safely on the edge and I even chose to retreat to my training, a traditional formula for success – a housewife committed to a relationship or an illusional (delusional) storybook fairytale of being a saved princess. So I left close friends, family for a negative relationship (because I formed it out of fear and denial) which I tried to make work with virtually no tools to deal with myself and the situation I had gotten myself into for several years. Deaf and blind commitment, until I understood what this “commitment” was costing me.
I have known throughout my life there are energies in this plane of existence we can sense yet cannot explain. However, I’ve realized they aren’t “bad” or “good.” It’s the way we perceive them or project upon them and shape them is how they appear – if we superimpose a scary or negative aspect on these energies – voila! You get monsters and demons and witches. If you perceive them as helpful entities, you get angels, spiritual helpers, and other positive entities.
Joseph Campbell said that monsters are perceived only because the energies are trying help you evolve are trying to get you to make choices you might be scared to take, we project our fears on to the energies, actually the part of ourselves (soul?) participating in the total evolving universe that we are unaware of most of the time. Once you start making those choices which are in line with universe’s intent, the monster and demons disappear and become helpful, friendly entities.
I am encouraged and highly excited because I have identified an energy around me that I have named Anam Cara, Friend of the Soul. The universe speaks to me through coincidences (sign posts along the way) I can actually see now and that gives me the encouragement knowing I’m taking the right path.
Jean Houston describes this beautifully in her book, Jump Time: “When individuals come into resonance with the universal purpose, they know it in their hearts, they feel it their bones. There is a great assent, a cosmic yes, an arc of energy across the void. What stands revealed in such moments is the entelechy, the creative seed of greatness each of us contains…Contact entelechy, and all circuits are “go.” Tune to it, and another order of perspective is at hand, one that comprehends the spatial and the temporal, that lifts the Earth of one’s seeing into another domain where love rules and the patterns of higher governance are known. Words cannot really describe it. Metaphors fritter and fry in the fires of analogy.
Entelechy is known in its experience. It is being in the flow. It is cooking on more burners. It is making the highest use of skills one has acquired. It is putting old capacities to work in new ways and discovering capacities we never knew we had. It is growing the evolutionary organs of our future, transcendent selves.
When we live in service to our entelechy, we comprehend the genius of Leonardo, the compassion of the Buddha, the social consciousness of Martin Luther King, Jr., the word craft of Emily Dickinson. We become actors on the stage of a new story, our personal play in a scene in the sacred drama of all times and places. We experience profound joy, and a sense of blissful felicity. We enter the domains of the mythic and come face to face with the fullness of what we are.” (page 38)
